Saturday, November 17, 2007

No, No, No, No, No

So they announced the winners of the Whitney Biennial for 2008 today in the NY Times. All in all, I was relieved and now I'll just have to work harder for the next one! At least I had a real shot. I know they saw it, and considered it, and I am more than humble to focus on the next one. I feel good that my shit was even considered.

The next one will be ours. The next one.

So what am I saying no to? Dating, dudes, LTR's, all that jazz. It's been two years since my last relationship and I thought I was ready and started actively dating again, and it was just exhausting. It was. I feel really relieved now, if anything. It's so much easier that way. I didn't want to put myself out there. I was hanging out with a few dudes, who were all pretty cool, one I particularly liked more so than the other ones, but it just got weird.

So I just ended everything, all of it, today. The shit stressed me out and I couldn't focus. As impatient as I am, I got overwhelmed and confused. Today was just a reality check. I had to recheck myself and where I was in my life, and had to set my priorities straight. I didn't want to hurt anybody or be hurt. I didn't want to wonder if someone liked me, or have dudes wonder that about me, or wonder if I should call or not, or when I should return someone's call, all those rules and games, protocol, etiquette, when to have sex, when not to have sex, how to have "the talk", oh my god it just all overwhelmed me. I didn't want to reject or be rejected. I didn't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed. Plus all my friends are married working on their second kid, or their second marriage, and it just freaked me out. I'm staying away from dudes like a vampire stays away from garlic.

I don't want to waste my heart. The bunny heart is the sweetest heart. It has the sweetest love. Any one of my good friends who know me really well can vouch for that. But even the Bunny heart is afraid. I can't even go there. I thought about opening up, slowly, getting to know someone slowly, but even then the waiting, the wondering, the slowness, drove me nuts. I guess the big thing was I didn't want to invest all that heart. I'd rather give the Bunny heart to people that I know who will be around--family, girlfriends, homeboys....not necessarily lovers. A friend will always be around, a lover may not. I'd rather have friends, that way they'll be in your lives longer. Right?

I thought I was ready. But I know I'm not. I think about it and it seemed so long ago. I think about how it was, and how badly it ended. I don't know what happened. Somehow I became the Runaway Bunny ever since. I get scared, and I run. I shut down. I go into hiding. I'm MIA.

It's frustrating. I'm so much more confident when dealing in business, or meeting new friends. But when it comes to dudes I like, I get weird. So instead of sticking around to get hurt or rejected, I run. It's not that I have confidence issues, because I don't. It's more so the energy, the emotions, that I can't deal with. You know when you have chemistry with someone? Or when you are really attracted to that person, the way they smell, or the way they laugh? Or how smooth their skin feels? Yup. That's when I start freaking out.

And think about it this way.....the growing into a relationship and recovery from a relationship takes so much work. Takes up so much time. Its' so distracting. I remember when I was getting over my ex, it took me the first year just to get over him, and the second year to be brave enough to get out there again and start dating. I really put in a good shot. I really tried the dating thing. But the truth was I didn't want to lead anyone on that I wasn't crazy about, which is why I did what I did, and well, a girl knows when someone just "isn't that into you", so I just let everyone go.

I know what I want. I know that I don't want a guy that makes you wonder whether he likes you or not. I know that I don't want a guy that isn't excited about what could be. I know that I don't want a guy that doesn't respond, and leaves you hanging. But on the other hand, I know I don't want to hurt a guy that's crazy about me and I don't have the heart to feel the same. I know that I have to free him so he can go find someone that deserves him, because I'm not able to give him the love he deserves. I know when a guy isn't capable of giving, and that's when you gotta RUN.

I'm capable of giving, and I know I make a cool, sexy girlfriend. I'm just scared shitless with the filtering process of who to give the Bunnylove to...Dating and kicking it with a few dudes keeps you busy, but it's not for me. It stresses me out and I freak out. I do better with monogamy. I can't date just to "date". It seems half-ass, and I don't want to do anything half ass. I'M ALL OR NOTHING. I feel like when you meet someone, you just know whether you want to spend more time with them, or you don't. Which is why I cut it off with the ones that I wasn't into, and I cut it off with the ones that I felt wasn't all that into me.

Which brings me back to square one-- I'll always have my art. But I may not always have the man...

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